


The October Affair

by Methoxyethane



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-08
Updated: 2009-04-08
Packaged: 2017-10-26 05:03:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/278999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Methoxyethane/pseuds/Methoxyethane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the end, the play went so poorly they canceled the other scheduled showings. Mostly because Allen and Kanda destroyed the stage in their fight while the others were getting drunk at the cast party.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The October Affair

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: And here I present to thee a crackfic. One of three "The Black Order Puts On A Play" fics in the fandom, but the only one where the play isn't Romeo and Juliet starring Allen and Kanda in Yaoi Smexxorz: The Production. Instead, I have taken a more original route involving a bit more crack. And yes- I did write The October Affair myself. You can call me Froi, bi-otches.

"The October Affair Cast Listing:

Andramein...Kanda Yuu

Bertimina Blackholt...Allen Walker

Lady Blackholt...Klaud Nine

Lord Blackholt...Froi Tiedoll

Lady Weller...Komui Lee

Lord Weller...Cross Marian

Kolloc Weller...Lavi

Merchant...Winters Sokaro

Edel...Linalee Lee

Bartholomew...Noise Marie

Vyilla...Miranda Lotto

Ziltin...Arystar Krory

Grandpa Everyone...Bookman

Narrator...Chaoji Han"

The piece of paper sat innocently on the wall next to Jeryy's window, open for all to see. Several copies of it were, in fact, posted in equally conspicuous locations around the Black Order, in every Black Order HQ, around the world. This one in particular, though, was the most interesting, as it was the first one to be noticed.

Kanda, Allen and Krory were currently the ones most confused by its existence.

"Is this... A play?"

"Why the hell is my name on this?"

"I've never been in a play before! How very exciting!"

"It's even got a date and location... Who decided all of this?"

"Whoever it is, I'll kill them."

"What kind of play do you suppose it is? A romance, perhaps?"

"I don't care what it is, there's no way I'm doing it." Kanda growled, tearing the paper off of the wall.

"But you have to! I already sent out the flyers!" Komui said from behind them, seeming to appear from nowhere. "Everyone's very excited about it!"

Allen raised an eyebrow at the over excited scientist, "So you're the one responsible for all this? I might have guessed."

"We need something to boost morale! Everyone's very depressed about the recent mass deaths, so it was decided that we needed something to distract from war! And what better than a play starring all of the Exorcists? Everyone's going to see it! Finders, researchers, officials- The Black Order has thousands of members worldwide, and this is sure to cheer everyone up for a while!"

"But why the hell am I involved? Get someone else to do it!"

"We can't! General Tiedoll wrote that part with you in mind, Kanda-kun!"

The three Exorcists stared at Komui with that comment. "General _Tiedoll_ wrote it?"

"Yup! He was very excited about the idea, so when we were trying to come up with a play to do he volunteered to write one!"

"Oh dear god, now there's no way in HELL I'll take part in something that crazy old freak orchestrated. Leave me out of this."

"That's very unfortunate, Kanda, because we decided that the punishment for refusal to cooperate would be to organize my office. While Jeryy sings show tunes. And if you manage to finish, your job will be to organize all of the other offices as well, which is so perpetual you might as well be taking a permanent demotion to secretary. With show tunes."

Kanda looked at Komui, and then to the crumpled flyer in his hand. "...How many lines do I have?"

"Now, the parts were decided mostly by acting ability, which is why Lavi and Allen have two of the three main characters. We all know that Kanda can't act for shit, so the reason he has a main role as well is because everyone decided they really wanted to see more Kanda in the play, so the part was written with very few lines and absolutely no emotional range, which Kanda should be able to pull off fine since that's what he's like most of the time anyway. Any questions?" Komui announced loudly,

"Yeah, why the hell are _you_ my wife?" Cross demanded, having apparently earlier been told he'd be playing the part across from Klaud.

"Because we ran out of women, and I wanted to be in the play. Any other questions?"

Allen was the next to pose a question, giving a tentative "Um, exactly _when_ did you write this play, General Tiedoll?"

The old man adjusted his glasses. "Well, the first draft was completed about fifteen years ago, but a good artist is never satisfied with their work. Why do you ask?"

"Because I think I've been in it before."

"Eh? Really? I know I sold a copy of the script to a theater in England for a bowl of soup and a place to stay for the night, but I didn't imagine they'd actually use it. Well! At least you're familiar with the story, then! Although I have changed quite a few things... Say, what part did you have?"

"Vyilla." He said. To himself, Allen then mumbled "And here I was hoping the next play I'd be in I could actually be a boy."

"Hmph. Not manly enough to get a decent part? Doesn't surprise me, a little bean sprout like you."

Allen, to Kanda's surprise, only smirked. "I take it you haven't read the script. I'm not gonna be the only one in a dress, pretty boy, so I hope you know how to walk in heels. Actually, I don't- it's funnier if you fall."

"WHAT?" Kanda turned to Tiedoll sharply "You wrote me as a WOMAN?"

"I thought you'd be quite satisfied with the part, Yuu-kun."

"What in God's name made you think that?"

"I made Linalee-chan your sister!"

"HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?"

Allen seemed to be ignoring the outburst entirely. Really, everyone was; Kanda would be doing this a lot during the production, that much was obvious, so the best thing to do would be to learn to ignore him. Clearly.

Flipping through the pages of the script, Allen observed "This certainly is quite a bit different from the original."

Tiedoll regarded him with a smile, also ignoring his student's enraged outburst and subsequent sulking. "Yes, well, the first story hardly would have done. I had to cater to the characters, and the situation, as well as... Spicing things up a bit."

Allen looked dubiously at the script. "I see that. So, how many people am I gonna be making out with in this?"

"Just the one. And you and Lavi only have one scene like that."

Allen eyed his co-star across the room appraisingly."I could do worse." He said with an affirming nod.

"Terribly sorry about that, but Komui would have gone on a killing spree, Klaud is too old for the part and Miranda... "

"Yeah, Miranda's not exactly Bertimina material. Don't worry- to be honest, this part actually suits me best anyway, even with the..."

"Making out with another guy?" Tiedoll supplied helpfully.

"Yeah. That." Allen added with a sigh, "It's not like I've never done it before, anyway."

There was an awkward silence.

"May I ask...?"

"No."

"Right."

"One more question, though... Did you only right in Bookman's part because you wanted to see him act like that and you knew he could do it?"

Tiedoll chuckled. "You're quite clever, aren't' you? I'm beginning to like you quite a bit, Allen-kun."

The rehearsals were, quite predictably, an absolute disaster.

Miranda had the absolute minimum of lines, and she still forgot them and stuttered through every word. Krory was over-acting when he had a minor role, and Noise Marie had, of all things, terrible stage fright that would not allow him to utter even a single word successfully. Also, Chaoji's timing was constantly off and he was shouting all of his lines; rather unfortunate considering how many he had as Narrator.

Kanda was... Uncooperative, at best. At worst he was a pain in the ass that made even sweet Miranda want to punch him in the face. Or maybe kick him in the shin a little. Or just shove him. Or better yet, give him a very stern scolding. Yes, that would do- but could she really be stern? Perhaps just politely ask him to please stop physically and verbally abusing the rest of the cast? No? Nevermind, then, her opinion didn't actually matter anyway...

Linalee was faring better than some of the others, but she didn't speak loudly enough and kept facing the audience instead of her cast mates. Also, Komui kept coddling her, which had caused Cross to, on several occasions, try to shoot the man in the head for being a pain. It was his duty as husband to keep his wife in line, after all.

Allen and Lavi should have been the easiest to work with. They weren't. Mostly because Allen kept insisting that they practice the scene where the two of them are kissing, saying that one could never practice enough and he just wasn't satisfied with the results of his acting. Surely he could do better- Lavi come back you're not getting out of this- and it was vital that they continue to rehearse until they got it just right.

Eventually, though, the day of the final production came, and they were as close to ready as they'd ever be.

The seats were filled. There were microphones planted all around the stage, so that the actors' voices may be heard even from the very back of the stadium. There were even three performances planned, so that everyone in the Order might get a chance to see it.

The house lights turned low, and the curtain raised, to reveal an absolutely petrified Chaoji Han.

"TONIGHT we BRING YOU a PRESENTAtion of GENERAL FROI TIEDOLL'S PLAY, called the- the OCTOBER AFFAIR. OUR STORY STARTS IN the house of a w-wealthy ffaMILY. THE WELLER HOUSE. Um, Uh. WE START WITH THE YOUNG KOLLOC AND HIS PARENTS. Talking. THEY'RE TALKING. Um, SCENE START!"

Komui Lee, or to be accurate, Lady Weller, was pacing around the Weller Family's large living room, her husband and son sitting in a slightly less anxious state.

"Kolloc, your birthday is coming up."

"Yes. It is." Lavi, or Kolloc, said hesitantly.

"You're not married! You're not engaged! You'll be an adult in two weeks, and what will the other families in town think? They'll think you're a deadbeat, that's what! For you to not have a wife or fiancée at your age is simply unacceptable!"

"…I don't really care, Mother."

"Well, I do! Don't you think so, too?" S/he said, turning to her/his husband.

Cross, or Lord Weller, as it were, mumbled into his newspaper. "Yes, dear. Certainly, dear."

"See?" Lady Weller said, turning back to her/his son.

"All right, then. I'll find a wife, Mother, if it'll please you."

"Like hell you will! I know you'll just ignore my wishes for you if left to your own devices, so I'm taking care of it. I will set up a coming out party for you, in celebration of your birthday, and invite all of the bachelorettes in town. It's for your own good, darling." Komui said dramatically, speaking the nasally voice he had adopted for his role.

"Crap," Kolloc mumbled. "Great help you are, Father."

"What? Yes. Certainly."

"Son of a bitch."

"SCENE CHANGE! Um, THE BLACKHOLT RESIDENCE! Curtain? CURTAIN! Is it ready yet? It is? Okay. HERE WE HAVE BERTIMINA Bl-BLACKHOLTand her FAMILY ALSO. Um. ALSO. Yeah."

This time, it's Allen Walker- dressed regally in floral patterns as Bertimina, pacing back and forth.

"FATHER!" Allen shouted as his character, "FATHER! What are you DOING! I'm almost sixteen, and I'm still stewing around in this pit, unmarried, and completely bored!"

Froi nodded. "Yes. That could be a problem. Yes. You know what else could be a problem? The dowry."

Klaud turned to her pretend husband. "We could give them a pig," Lady Blackholt suggested.

"We don't have a pig." The Lord of the house responded. His wife shrugged.

"We'll think of something,"

Bertimina declared. "I refuse to marry some poor peasant. They'll have enough money for both of our families, or I'll die a widow! Which I refuse to do!" Allen shouted passionately, pumping a fist into the air.

"I think…" Lord Blackholt began, "I think… That the Weller family is having a… Party. Yes, for their son. You might, uh… Meet someone there. A husband. Yes."

"Perfect!" Bertimina shouted triumphantly. "I'll be there, and I'll bag the richest bastard in the room while I'm at it!"

Lady Blackholt smiled at her, uh… daughter. "That does sound brilliant. You are your mother's daughter after all."

And they both broke out into hideous, maniacal laughter, which by now Lord Blackholt had learned to ignore cheerfully.

"SCENE CHANGE! Um, Should I say wha- CURTAIN! Um, hold on. They're changing the set. Is it? Is it ready? Okay, AT THE PARTY, Where KOLLOC IS CURRENTLY, um, what was I supposed to say? Uh, um, HE'S DRINKING. OR SOMETHING. Just go, guys."

We see Lavi talking in a hushed voice to Krory.

"OH GOD NOW I REMEMBER!" Chaoji shouted suddenly, "He's TALKING TO HIS BEST FRIEND, uh, ZILTIN. That was it. SORRY GUYS. GO ON."

"Thanks a bunch, Chaoji. Moron." Lavi mumbled, before returning to his conversation. "So, yeah, Mother's going crazy with the 'get married or I'll disown you' thing, chatter chatter chatter, none of the girls are cute or something."

Krory blinked. "Um, was that your line, Lavi?"

"Just go, Krory."

"Y-yes. Uh. Well, that white-haired girl over there draining the liquor cabinet is kind of pretty, don't you think?"

"Yeah, she's not bad. A little… Rough around the edges, though." Kolloc observed as Bertimina threw her empty glass into the wall and grabbed champagne off of a waiter's plate.

"It's part of her charm, perhaps?"

"…Right."

With her new glass… er, bottle, really, Allen made his/her way over to where Lavi and Krory were standing. S/he fluttered his/her eyelashes in a flirty, feminine manner, before starting in a satin drawl, "So, I hear you're the main event of this little get together?"

Kolloc just stared. "Yes, I suppose I am. And you are?"

"Bertimina Blackholt, love, but you can call me Bertie. And yourself?" She introduced cutely.

"Kolloc. Kolloc Weller. Um… So…"

"Yes?" she said expectantly.

Ziltin had by now sensed his presence was unnecessary, and had wandered off. He had, however, been replaced by an awkward-looking long-haired girl.

Bertimina might have said something, but she was rudely and abruptly shoved out of the way by the new addition. She then turned to Kolloc.

"Um. Hi."

Kolloc blinked at her. "May I help you?"

"Uh. Sure. I'm Andramein."

"Okay…"

Andramein, or to be more precise, Kanda Yuu, coughed uncomfortably. And then wandered off. Awkwardly. Bertimina replaced herself at his side, scowling unfemininely at the departed intruder.

"How rude! I ought to cut off her hair and strangle her with it!"

"How lovely. You two are sure to make wonderful friends."

Bertimina scoffed. "I'm certain." She turned her 'innocent and charming' act back on, and added "Well, since we've gotten to know each other a little better now-"

"We have?"

"As I was saying, perhaps we ought to arrange for us to meet again? Perhaps for tea or some such nonsense."

Kolloc shrugged. "Sure, why not?" He turned to Kanda, who was still looming around conspicuously. "You wanna come too, Andramein?"

"WHAT?"

Andramein answered before Bertimina's protests could be voiced. "Yes. Thank you."

Bertimina fumed silently, before forcing a smile. "Very well, it's a date then." She said venomously. "We'll meet then." She stormed off, grabbing yet another glass on her way out. She downed the drink and tossed the glass aside before even reaching the door.

Andramein stood around awkwardly. And then wandered off. Awkwardly.

"END ACT ONE! Um, What's the next scene, guys? I don't wanna screw up again… Um, SCENE START! Wait, LOCATION IS WHERE THE… TEA. GO!"

"NOT YET! THAT'S THE NEXT SCENE AFTER! THIS ONE'S WHERE WE INTRODUCE BARTHOLOMEW AND VYILLA!"

"CAN'T WE SKIP THAT ONE?"

The director, Froi Tiedoll, just sighed. "Go ahead and skip it, I guess. But no one will know who those two are when they show up again at the end of scene two."

"OKAY, GUYS, WE'RE SKIPPING ACT TWO SCENE ONE! GO ON TO THE TEA ONE!"

"HOW'S THAT START AGAIN?"

"LOOK AT THE DAMNED SCRIPT!"

"You know, guys, they… Don't ever actually have tea, so I don't know why you're calling it that."

"They don't?"

"No, the scene starts at the tea shop, and then moves on to the marketplace."

"Oh. Right."

"Maybe we should explain what happened in that scene we skipped?"

"Who'd do that, our _Narrator_?"

"Right. Nevermind."

"Um, should we get into places?"

"OKAY, WE'RE TRYING THIS AGAIN! SCENE START! FOR REAL THIS TIME!"

Bertimina, Andramein and Kolloc are meeting at a local tea shop, as was established in the last scene.

We see all three of them flipping through the pages of their scripts distractedly, before eventually Allen manages to start the scene.

"Um…" He looks up at Lavi, and gets into character. "So," Bertimina begins in a honey-sweet voice,

"Kolloc, darling, which table should we-"

"This one," Andramein said, pointing to a table by an elaborate window looking out onto a small garden.

Bertimina puffed up incredulously.

"I don't _believe_ I asked you, Miss. Andramein."

S/he simply sat down without a word.

"Guess we know where we're sitting." Kolloc said simply, joining Kan- er, Andramein at the table.

Reluctantly, Bertimina joined them. An awkward silence followed.

Bertimina shot a glare towards Andramein. "So, Andy, what kind of family are you from, anyway?"

"Don't call me that. And I'm a Rosenkraut."

Bertimina blinked in surprise. "From the Rosenkraut shipping company?"

"Um, yes."

"I remember hearing about your family moving here at a party last month, but I guess I had forgotten. You have a brother, don't you?"

"There… Are two of us."

"Is he married?"

"Um…"

Kolloc interrupted. "That's great! I knew you two would get along. Anyway, what about, um… Look can we leave? That guy is staring at us."

The other two turned to see that Bookman was indeed staring. Like a damned owl.

"HEY YOU KIDS!"

Kolloc deemed it relatively safe to respond. "…Yes?"

"Why don't one of you sweet girls come sit on Grandpa's lap?"

Andramein stood up. "We'll leave."

Bertimina, for once, agreed.

"Come back to talk to Grandpa anytime you want, darlin's!"

The three left, deciding to walk around town for a while.

Kolloc walked between the two girls, fearing that if he wasn't in the middle to keep peace, a terrible bloodbath would ensue. He didn't know how right he was.

Bertimina took the redhead's left arm, smiling coyly. She grinned victoriously at Andramein behind Kolloc's back.

Andramein glared at Bertimina from Kolloc's other side. She grabbed his right arm, mimicking the expression that Bertimina had given her earlier.

This subtle action was not lost on Bertimina, and she pulled Kolloc's arm closer and walked faster. Andramein did the same, and this process continued until they were almost at a run, and Kolloc stopped them, out of breath.

They happened to have been forced to a stop in the middle of the shopping district, specifically in front of a stand selling trinkets and accessories designed to get women to spend money. Noticing this, Bertimina's eyes sparkled greedily.

"Oooh! Won't you buy something for me, Kolloc?" She said, turning to him with pleading eyes.

Kolloc shrugged. "Eh, I dunno. What do you want?"

"Well, I have been needing a new fan, and that pink and yellow one sure is lovely~!"

Before Kolloc could say yey or nay, Andramein slapped down an amount of money on the merchant's table, point to the fan Bertimina had mentioned. "I'll buy that." Kanda demanded tersely.

"Why you-"

"YOU THERE." The merchant, Winters Sokaro suddenly bellowed at Kolloc. "BUY SOMETHING."

"Uh..."

"I SAID BUY SOMETHING!"

"R-Right! What should I-"

"I DON'T CARE. BUY SOMETHING."

"Um. Okay, how about that-"

"NOT EXPENSIVE ENOUGH! SPEND MORE MONEY."

"Allright! Jeesh." He slapped some money on the table himself, grabbed a random trinket and tossed it at Bertimina. "Merry Christmas."

Allen's eyes fluttered charmingly. "Why thank you, Kolloc! It's a beautiful... Um. Whatever it is!"

Andramein raised an eyebrow. "I think it's a tie."

"Maybe an ascot?" Kolloc contributed, now actually looking at the gift he had purchased.

"BUY SOMETHING ELSE OR LEAVE. NO LOITERING."

The curtain abruptly fell to the stage with a clatter and ocean of red fabric. From somewhere offstage, someone yelled "Shit! Sorry!"

"What the fuck-"

"The scene isn't even over yet!"

"Well, it is now! Next scene!"

"Which one?"

"The one with the... The house. I guess."

"What?"

"I think the next one is the one with the party."

"What party? That was the third scene! The party's over!"

"Wasn't there another party? I could've sworn there was..."

"Every one of you is an idiot!"

"We can't actually do the next scene, since we skipped that one scene that makes that scene make sense."

"Then what the fuck are we doing?"

"What the hell happened to our director!"

"He said 'Aw, fuck it' tossed the script over his shoulder and wandered off."

"Does anyone actually know what we're doing anymore?"

"Who has a copy of the script?"

"We're ALL supposed to have one!"

"Well, who actually knows where theirs is?"

"Fuck it! Let's just skip to the end so we can have the cast party and get drunk!"

"We can't do that!"

"I think we can. Audience poll! Everyone who wants to wrap this up so we can all get smashed raise their hand!"

Roughly three-fifths of the crowd shot their hand into the air.

"See? Introduce the last scene, Chaoji! It's in the last three pages, so even YOU should find it with no problem!"

Chaoji flipped frantically though the pages. "Um. Uh. Okay, I think I got it- FINAL SCENE. KOLLOC HAS ASKED BERTIMINA AND ANDRAMEIN TO HIS HOUSE SO HE CAN TELL THEM uh... What is it? PICK. DECIDE. FIANCE. THING. Which- WHICH ONE HE'S GONNA PROPOSE TO. That's it. Hey is someone gonna get the curtain off the floor?"

Lavi, Allen, Kanda, Miranda and Linalee are gathered onto the stage. Lavi rolled his eye. "Narrator! Explain who Vyilla and Edel are since we skipped the scenes their introduced in." He muttered to himself. "Along with all the other scenes, which we only spent an entire _week of torture_ rehearsing only to never even DO them..."

"Oh that's a good idea! UM. VYILLA IS BERTIMINA'S HANDMAIDEN, AND EDEL IS ANDRAMEIN'S. SO THEY'RE PRTTY MUCH DECORATION. I guess. Is that okay, guys?"

Allen sighed, before straightening his back and getting into character. "Ahem." s/he fluttered her eyes prettily. "So, Kolloc. I'm sure we're all very anxious to get this over with, so why don't you just tell us that you've chosen me so we can all get out of here, ne~?"

Kolloc sighed. "Um. Well. The thing about that is, I've actually, uh... Not chosen you."

Bertimina's fan snapped in her hands. "WHAT."

"Yeah. Andramein's quieter. And less... Full of the crazy. So I'm gonna marry her."

Andramein's face remained impassive. "No you're not."

The others blinked. "What?"

"I neither want, nor even CAN marry you. I was just trying to make sure Bertimina didn't."

"...Why?" Was the only response Kolloc could muster.

"Because I'm a man."

There was a dead silence. Edel coughed awkwardly and twiddles her thumbs a little. "You could have done that a little more delicately, Brother."

"What... Why... HUH?"

"It's because I couldn't talk to Bertimina directly. I met her at a party last spring, and fell in love at first sight. When I realized that she was going to your coming out party I knew I had to make sure you two didn't marry. And this was the only way I could think of. Which is fine, since it seems to have worked." Andramein said. In a monotone.

Allen growled. "For GOD'S sake, Kanda! You are the worst fucking actor EVER! Emote, damn you, EMOTE! You're making us all look bad with your shitty acting!"

"I didn't even want to be in this fucking play in the FIRST place, so don't you tell me what to do, you little bastard!" Kanda shouted, grabbing at Allen's collar.

Lavi ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "NO. Stop it right now, you two! There's like, four FUCKING lines left in the play, so we're going to do them, and after THAT you can tear each other's throats out!"

Allen huffed angrily. He straightened his hair, and was back into character. "Okay. So, all of this has been for me?" Bertimina asked.

Andramein, looking like he was trying to supress a large amount of rage, nodded. "Yes. All of it."

Bertiimina looked thoughtful. "So you're the heir of the Rosenkraut shipping company?"

"...Yes."

Bertimina smiled sunnily, before leaping into Andramein's arms. "Hot damn, that's good enough for me! To the wedding chapel! We're getting married and I'm gonna be a rich wife! Yee-ha!"

And Andramein carried Bertimina off stage, Vyilla following awkwardly shouting "Wait! Shouldn't we at least tell your parents first?"

Kolloc looked at Edel. "So... You're his sister,huh?"

She nodded.

"And the Rosenkrauts are supposed to be a good family, huh?"

"Yep."

"So... You wanna get married?"

Edel though for a moment. "Sounds good to me!"

And the two wandered off stage, arm in arm.

"THE END. I think. Yeah."

The curtain fell for the final time, and Mugen went flying through the air. Kanda followed after it, with Allen tearing through the curtain with his claw and shouting "HOLD STILL YOU BASTARD! I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU!"

Omake (This is where the gay is, because it's funny as hell and I couldn't resist.): Observations filed by Howard Link on the backstage behavior of the Exorcists involved in the production of The October Affair.

Day Two of rehearsals, 4:36 pm.

All Exorcists appear to still be getting prepared for practice. They will be working on Scene 4 starting with line 16 once they get underway, but the show's director (General Froi Tiedoll) appears to be unconcerned by the schedule, as he is currently drawing what would appear to be a pony being shot by a cannon. He's also laughing, indicating that he's very aware of the situation around him, and is in fact dreadfully amused by it.

I will now begin a transcript of the dialogue.

Allen Walker and Kanda Yuu appear to be arguing. About what, I just don't care anymore. Most others have begun practicing on their own.

Cross: (placing a hand on Komui's shoulder with an eyebrow raised suggestively.) You, know, you're not that bad looking for a guy. I've always had a thing for Asians.

Komui: My god, Cross, are you really so desperate that you've started hitting on men?

Cross: Yes. Yes I am. I haven't gotten laid in two months, Klaud's legs are dead bolted shut, the little one's got an army of bodyguards ready to rip my balls off, and the dark-haired girl is clearly terrified of me. I'm horny as fuck, and you're good enough.

(Miranda Lotto looks up from her script to see Cross looking at her, and then immediately throws her script in the air and runs screaming.)

Komui: Charming. You're going to have to keep it in your pants, General. If it makes you feel better, I haven't gotten any in two _years_ , and I'm managing just fine.

Cross: Two years? A piece of tail like you, that's the biggest waste I've heard. Worse even than nuns. I can help you break your dry streak, you know.

Komui: No thanks. I, unlike some people, don't feel the need to rub myself against any available leg whenever I'm in heat. It's called self-control, you'd do well to learn some.

Allen Walker (who would appear to have resolved his argument without, for once, coming to blows.): Seems like you're barking up a dead tree, Shisou. Maybe you should try more fertile pastures? Kanda's also Asian, and he's nothing if not good-looking.

Kanda: Are you trying to sell me, you little bastard?

Cross: I don't think so. That one's got a stick shoved so far up his ass, I don't think there's room for anything else.

(Walker bursts out laughing)

Komui: Well, Walker's got an excellent point, though! Why not try, uh... Lavi! He's a strapping young lad!

Cross: I don't wanna risk the chance that that one's my illegitimate bastard.

Komui: Funny.

Bookman: I don't know, he's got a point. Were you tapping any half-Swedish half-Danish girls in New York about nineteen years ago?

Cross: Almost undoubtedly.

Bookman: Meet your father, Lavi.

Lavi: Very funny, Old Man. We're not going there.

Allen: I certainly hope it's not true. The resemblance is uncanny, now that I think of it. Kind of makes me queasy to think about how attracted to Lavi I am, actually.

Cross: And how attracted are you?

Allen: We should all be very proud of the fact that I have not raped him.

Lavi: Yet.

Cross: You can't even seduce one person, Idiot Disciple? I thought I'd taught you better than that.

Allen: Don't underestimate me, you bastard. First of all, I'm quite certain I could seduce any woman necessary; I just have no interest in doing so. And as for men, the only reason I have not yet violated every part of Lavi is because that's hardly the basis of a relationship- I'm not interested in a one-night stand. My goals involve much more sex than that.

Kanda: Are you trying to tell me you seriously believe you can get anyone you want into bed?

Allen: Well, not _anyone,_ but enough to count. In fact, if I wanted, I could even get you begging, Kanda.

Kanda: Che. Hardly. There's no way you could ever seduce me, Bean Sprout.

Allen: I could too. Any time, any place.

Kanda: (smirking) Then why don't you prove it?

To say that Allen kissed Kanda at this point would be inaccurate. It was more of an assault of his mouth, followed by licking his way up Kanda's neck to stop to bite his ear. There is also a notable amount of groping, a knee shoved in Kanda's crotch, and a very vocal moan.

The entire room is stunned into silence. Walker draws away with a smirk, spits on the floor and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

Lavi: I think he's got ya beat, Yuu.

Cross: I didn't teach him that.

Allen: Yes you did.

Cross: Well, not directly at least. (He smirks) Not bad, idiot. I suppose you did learn from the best, though.

Linalee Lee, now sporting a nosebleed, manages to seat herself on the floor without collapsing.

Komui: Linalee! Your nose! Did someone hit you?

Linalee: No, Nii-san, I'm fine! It's just... The altitude!

Miranda: Yes, I'm feeling a little lightheaded myself. It certainly is warm in here, isn't it?

Kanda, who had not moved an inch or even apparently breathed until now, takes this opportunity to grab Miranda and... Well, shove his tongue down her throat. He lets go after a moment and wipes his mouth.

Kanda: That's better.

Miranda squeals a little and starts hyperventilating. Noise Marie tries to calm her down.

Cross: Don't mind him, girlie, he's just reaffirming his heterosexuality. You really did a number there, didn't you boy?

Allen: Of course. On the other hand, I've never needed to brush my teeth so badly in my life. I swear I can still taste the bastard- it's disgusting.

Lavi: How come you haven't done anything like that to me, Allen?

Allen: (slyly) Because I intend to do all sorts of other, better things to you, Lavi.

Lavi: Oh. Right.

Klaud Nine: That's it- I've had just about enough of this. Can we actually get to practicing this stupid play yet? I don't wanna be stuck here forever.

Cross: I-

Klaud: Whatever you're thinking, Marian, no. The answer is no. So don't even say it.

Tiedoll: Very well, then. Places, eve

(The rest of the transcript appears to be missing, possibly as a result of fire. The explosion that happened at about 6:45 is most likely to blame.)


End file.
